alcohol - stress reaction or just inanity?

I've been here 4 weeks already and 2 times really drunk. Being in Ireland sober, especially during the weekend is a challenge, but it doesn't mean it's impossible. And it also doesn't mean that I have to be one of those drunk chicks that can't even walk to home after party. Anyway as I mentioned before this shit happend to me twice and I'm pretty sure it's already too much.
As I've noticed lately, I'm feeling older and wiser than a year ago, and for me such a behav is just not acceptable anymore. But there is one thing that I can't undestand... becouse if it's really not my life style anymore than why am I doing THIS? Why I am acting like a teen? Is it a stress reaction or is it just inanity? I understand I went through not an easy days lately, not an easy months, I had to went through not an easy situation and news but still... is it a good reason or is it just excuse?


But seriously, what could I except by coming back to Cork........? STUPID ME.

'Choosing one path means abandoning others - if you try to follow every possible path you will end up following none. I followed many paths in my "younger and more vulnerable years". But when you are young this attitude is a blessing - if you know when to stop.' - P. Coelho

'the zahir'

Pierwszą rzeczą na którą zwóciłam uwagę w moim 'starym' nowym pokoju po przylocie do Cork była półka przy łóżku. Rok temu, gdy wyjeżdżałam, zostawiłam tutaj kilka książęk i moje notatki z angielskiego. Jakież było moje zaskoczenie gdy wszystko to zastałam w stanie nienaruszonym w tej oto półce! Ale było jeszcze coś, książka P. Coelho "The Zahir". Od razu wiedziałam, że to nie przypadek. Po przeczytaniu książki nie mogłam uwierzyć, że takie zbiegi okoliczności istnieją, a jednak. Mój zahir zaczął się rok temu w Irlandii i tutaj sie skończył. Dziś. Trało to bardzo długo, pochłoneło bardzo dużo mojej energii, emocji, mojego życia. Męczyłam się. Jeszcze kilka dni temu nie rozumiałam nic. Towarzyszył mi tylko ZAHIR.

Czy dziś zrozumiałam? Na pewno zrozumiałam, że mój zahir nie musi być czyimś zahirem, na pewno zrozumiałam, że nie mogę nikogo obarczać odpowiedzialnością za moje stany emocjonalne, zrozumiałam, że każdy ma prawo do szukania szczęścia... gdziekolwiek i jakkolwiek.

Mimo wszstko nadal jestem bardzo emocjonalna, nadal wiele rzeczy mnie zbyt porusza, nie potrafię się zdystansować... Cork uczy mnie każdego dnia, uczy mnie czasami w sposób zabawny, czasami w sposób dobitny i dosłowny. Czasami nie znoszę tego miejsca, zachowania ludzi wokół, obojętnośći, pytań :"why not? anna, why not?"
A czasami po prostu nie znoszę siebie... bo niepotrafię odpowiedzieć na pytanie 'why not?'...

Najgorsze jest to, że mimo iż wokół jest mnóstwo ludzi, tak naprawdę jestem z tym sama. No bo jak obarczać moim poplątanym wnętrzem kogoś jeśli ja sama go nie rozumiem? Jedno wiem na pewno - nauczyłam się brać odpowiedzialność za swoje słowa i czyny, i nawet jeśli coś wydaję się być przeszłością nigdy nie możemy być pewni...pewnego dnia ta przeszłość może z hukiem powrócić...

Life is different nowedays - 'same day different shit'. I learn a lot every second day. I learn how to be a nice girl and a good friend...but the most important, I always try to be ME, even though I don't know who I am anymore... I'm lost.

touch a chord

too many remembrances in my head and in my heart..

'to ja ten sam, od tylu lat sam..
bo Ciebie mi brak, Ciebie mi brak'

tattoo meanings

I've got my first tattoo a few days before my 'come back' to Cork, Ireland. I've done a sign of Tibetan mantra OM. 'Om' drives away all worldly thoughts and removes distraction and infuses new vigour in the body. Also safe you from bad energy. This tattoo means a lot to me. Last weeks in Poland were pretty tough and I needed something that would make me believe that 'no matter what' everything's gonna be all right. And it does - I can feel it!
In the meantime I drew some ideas that jumped into my head. I am not an artist, I can't draw (ask me to draw f.x a christmas tree - have no clue how to do it!) but sometimes I just take a pencil and try to do my best. It's pretty difficult becouse I haven't got a pensil in my hand for last few years, had some reason and it took me long time to get over it. Right now I'm trying to move on and every my drawing means something to me, and also represents me, my emotions, my feelings at exactly 'this' moment.
When I packed my suitcase for my trip to Ireland the last stuff I took from my room was the paper with my drowings. I didin't know why but I wanted to have it. A couple days later, after hearing some stories and having a converstation about relationships I truly understood why I needed my drew stuff. Cork has been change a lot for last year, some new people, some new places.. many stories, many things happen every day. And you have to deal with it, you can't run away. And it's so easy to be lost... to be confused... to forgot what is the true meaning of life... And I have changed a lot too. I realized I'm not the same person that I used to be a year ago, I'm not THE crazy girl that 'don't care' but I became THE women that 'do care' and for who 'having fun' is not the most important part of life anymore. And every time when I'm in my room, looking at my drowings, I realize who I became to and I'm proud...

I already know how my next tattoo will look like - design by me. And I don't care about people asking: But what about your body in 20 years? Will you still like your tattoos? What will you tell your kids, grandkids?

... Becouse what if you're going to die 2day? ... there is no yesterday, no 2morrow... there is only here and now, so just live your life and that's it. Try to understand and let people choose their own way.

Tattoo may be your memento but also may indentify you as a person, may remember who you are and help realize how strong and worth personality you've got. May remember all shit you got through but also give you strength to stand even more... May be your private diary or an open book... and not everyone has to understand it.

I am a dreamer

A few days ago I found my old diaries, notebook and some fashion designs drew on the white paper...

I had 2 big dreams when I was a kid. At first I wanted to be a writer, later on I decided to become a fashion designer. Becouse I've always loved reading and writing I thought that being a writer is the best thing to do for me. In some way I was right (I write a blog nowdays! haha). I wrote many poems and started to write a very cool novel and a very funny book. Later on I felt in love with fashion, so I decided to become a fashion designer. Of course dreams are dreams and life is life and nowdays I am a student of pedagogy with some businness and photography studies behind me :-)

Anyway it's nice to have dreams and momories and that's why I decided to read all of those poems and old diaries, and peek at my old fashion designs 2day...

I had so much fun! The poems are sooo bad, believe me! But I am very positive surprise coz my novel and book are pretty cool! I was about 17 when I started to write the book, it supposed to be a funny story about teen girl and her life. And I have to say - it is! I laughed when I read it, my sense of humour was pretty cool when I was a teen!
The novel is about a teen girl too but written in totally different style...can't believe how 'mentally serious' I was at those days. Amazing... I saw 2part of me: one - very funny girl with a great temper and always ready for fun and all kind of adventures, and the second one - young but very inteligent, serious and kinda misterious...I love both of them!
And the fashion designs...hm, some of them are pretty cool but some - nothing SPECIAL. I like the way my fantasy worked at those times. It was a very long and kinda tough story related with 'dream of becoming a fashion designer' but 2day all those bad memories are just 'shadow memories of my past life', and I know It was worth to try.

It is so easy to be a dreamer when we are kids, but even if our dreams are only in our head and life changes everything it's nice to stop sometimes and do 'flashback'. We can always learn something new about ourselfs..

I can see the sun!

Drinking coffee, listening good 'chill' music and looking through the window...I can see the sun! Im happy.

My new destinations: Cork - ... - Helsinki...

Girl, Interrupted

Got a feeling to write 'bout something.. something hides deep inside me.. something that exists but never shows up.. but I can't. don't know how.
Wondering: is it a life or a dream make me feel miserable? if it is a life then...hm, well...then it means I am fucked up. but if it is a dream then it's still hope I'll wake up some morning just with a shadowy memorial of a shity dream..

nonono...it can't be life. My life is beautiful...( was beautiful? )

...and just got interruped some time ago...by a bad dream.

YES.

Im pretty sure it's just a dream. and I am just a girl in the middle of this shit - not even real girl, in the middle of not even real shit. Girl, Interruped.