happiness, all around happiness..

don't really know why but i'm feeling very happy. butterflies in my stomach, smile on my face. new studies, new apartment, new people, new hobbies. but also old and the same family, old and the same best friends. right time, right place. couldn't ask for more...maybe could? haha yeah, made some wish when saw a double rainbow, but it would be an extra benefit , very nice but not necessary benefit..;-)

Back at home! Happy:)

I'm back at home and I'm happy! Poland is a very weird country and there is a lot of stuff that drives me crazy here but in same cause I feel it's my home right now. And it will be for next year. Hope the last year...

one week, one weekend

Haven't write anything for a quite long time...I feel empty of the real emotion. I can't believe I started to be naive again, I started to believe again.. I can't believe it happened here, in the place where the real life doesn't exist. Last weekend opened my eyes. I've done some things just to see 'after effect' and I was dissapointed. But I quickly understood that was only my foult, being naive it's just a part of being me. Anyway, after seeing clearly what's going on here I decided go to home 2 weeks earlier. I don't give a shit about people that pretend to be my friends or to like me, coz that kind of friends you can always have more than 100, but what when you really need someone? The true is it's very difficult to find someone that really care about you here... (but fortunately I know it's possible:)).

Nowedays I'm really happy. I'm happy with my decision and can't wait to be back in my life. I love being here, I like meeting new people, I like partying with them, I like silly chatting and even clubing in electro disco (not too often!), but it's just how summer should look like, and now summer for me is over! One more week, one more weekend! I will miss it, but I know I can do something more productive than that :-)

alcohol - stress reaction or just inanity?

I've been here 4 weeks already and 2 times really drunk. Being in Ireland sober, especially during the weekend is a challenge, but it doesn't mean it's impossible. And it also doesn't mean that I have to be one of those drunk chicks that can't even walk to home after party. Anyway as I mentioned before this shit happend to me twice and I'm pretty sure it's already too much.
As I've noticed lately, I'm feeling older and wiser than a year ago, and for me such a behav is just not acceptable anymore. But there is one thing that I can't undestand... becouse if it's really not my life style anymore than why am I doing THIS? Why I am acting like a teen? Is it a stress reaction or is it just inanity? I understand I went through not an easy days lately, not an easy months, I had to went through not an easy situation and news but still... is it a good reason or is it just excuse?


But seriously, what could I except by coming back to Cork........? STUPID ME.

'Choosing one path means abandoning others - if you try to follow every possible path you will end up following none. I followed many paths in my "younger and more vulnerable years". But when you are young this attitude is a blessing - if you know when to stop.' - P. Coelho

'the zahir'

Pierwszą rzeczą na którą zwóciłam uwagę w moim 'starym' nowym pokoju po przylocie do Cork była półka przy łóżku. Rok temu, gdy wyjeżdżałam, zostawiłam tutaj kilka książęk i moje notatki z angielskiego. Jakież było moje zaskoczenie gdy wszystko to zastałam w stanie nienaruszonym w tej oto półce! Ale było jeszcze coś, książka P. Coelho "The Zahir". Od razu wiedziałam, że to nie przypadek. Po przeczytaniu książki nie mogłam uwierzyć, że takie zbiegi okoliczności istnieją, a jednak. Mój zahir zaczął się rok temu w Irlandii i tutaj sie skończył. Dziś. Trało to bardzo długo, pochłoneło bardzo dużo mojej energii, emocji, mojego życia. Męczyłam się. Jeszcze kilka dni temu nie rozumiałam nic. Towarzyszył mi tylko ZAHIR.

Czy dziś zrozumiałam? Na pewno zrozumiałam, że mój zahir nie musi być czyimś zahirem, na pewno zrozumiałam, że nie mogę nikogo obarczać odpowiedzialnością za moje stany emocjonalne, zrozumiałam, że każdy ma prawo do szukania szczęścia... gdziekolwiek i jakkolwiek.

Mimo wszstko nadal jestem bardzo emocjonalna, nadal wiele rzeczy mnie zbyt porusza, nie potrafię się zdystansować... Cork uczy mnie każdego dnia, uczy mnie czasami w sposób zabawny, czasami w sposób dobitny i dosłowny. Czasami nie znoszę tego miejsca, zachowania ludzi wokół, obojętnośći, pytań :"why not? anna, why not?"
A czasami po prostu nie znoszę siebie... bo niepotrafię odpowiedzieć na pytanie 'why not?'...

Najgorsze jest to, że mimo iż wokół jest mnóstwo ludzi, tak naprawdę jestem z tym sama. No bo jak obarczać moim poplątanym wnętrzem kogoś jeśli ja sama go nie rozumiem? Jedno wiem na pewno - nauczyłam się brać odpowiedzialność za swoje słowa i czyny, i nawet jeśli coś wydaję się być przeszłością nigdy nie możemy być pewni...pewnego dnia ta przeszłość może z hukiem powrócić...

Life is different nowedays - 'same day different shit'. I learn a lot every second day. I learn how to be a nice girl and a good friend...but the most important, I always try to be ME, even though I don't know who I am anymore... I'm lost.

touch a chord

too many remembrances in my head and in my heart..

'to ja ten sam, od tylu lat sam..
bo Ciebie mi brak, Ciebie mi brak'

tattoo meanings

I've got my first tattoo a few days before my 'come back' to Cork, Ireland. I've done a sign of Tibetan mantra OM. 'Om' drives away all worldly thoughts and removes distraction and infuses new vigour in the body. Also safe you from bad energy. This tattoo means a lot to me. Last weeks in Poland were pretty tough and I needed something that would make me believe that 'no matter what' everything's gonna be all right. And it does - I can feel it!
In the meantime I drew some ideas that jumped into my head. I am not an artist, I can't draw (ask me to draw f.x a christmas tree - have no clue how to do it!) but sometimes I just take a pencil and try to do my best. It's pretty difficult becouse I haven't got a pensil in my hand for last few years, had some reason and it took me long time to get over it. Right now I'm trying to move on and every my drawing means something to me, and also represents me, my emotions, my feelings at exactly 'this' moment.
When I packed my suitcase for my trip to Ireland the last stuff I took from my room was the paper with my drowings. I didin't know why but I wanted to have it. A couple days later, after hearing some stories and having a converstation about relationships I truly understood why I needed my drew stuff. Cork has been change a lot for last year, some new people, some new places.. many stories, many things happen every day. And you have to deal with it, you can't run away. And it's so easy to be lost... to be confused... to forgot what is the true meaning of life... And I have changed a lot too. I realized I'm not the same person that I used to be a year ago, I'm not THE crazy girl that 'don't care' but I became THE women that 'do care' and for who 'having fun' is not the most important part of life anymore. And every time when I'm in my room, looking at my drowings, I realize who I became to and I'm proud...

I already know how my next tattoo will look like - design by me. And I don't care about people asking: But what about your body in 20 years? Will you still like your tattoos? What will you tell your kids, grandkids?

... Becouse what if you're going to die 2day? ... there is no yesterday, no 2morrow... there is only here and now, so just live your life and that's it. Try to understand and let people choose their own way.

Tattoo may be your memento but also may indentify you as a person, may remember who you are and help realize how strong and worth personality you've got. May remember all shit you got through but also give you strength to stand even more... May be your private diary or an open book... and not everyone has to understand it.