Finland - my LOVE, my HOME... coz nothing compares to you

It's been 15 hours since I landed at Warsaw airport and I'm feeling totally down...I can't explain why but I'm crazy in love with Finland... every step, every person, every little thing in Helsinki made me laugh like a crazy, made my heart beats faster, made me be the happiest person walking on this earth... And now, I'm laying in my bed, listening my 'finnish' song and wondering 'how the hell it happened?'. I've never been interested in this country, I've never thought 'bout learing finnish - even more - I think it's one of the hardest to learn languages ever and for me - impossible to adopt... I don't like cold and long winters, I don't have my family there and not even boyfriend, so what? What makes me be so crazy about this place? What makes me cry during every flight back to my country, what makes me feel 'finnish homesick' for next few days...? I will probably never find the answer...

happiness, all around happiness..

don't really know why but i'm feeling very happy. butterflies in my stomach, smile on my face. new studies, new apartment, new people, new hobbies. but also old and the same family, old and the same best friends. right time, right place. couldn't ask for more...maybe could? haha yeah, made some wish when saw a double rainbow, but it would be an extra benefit , very nice but not necessary benefit..;-)

Back at home! Happy:)

I'm back at home and I'm happy! Poland is a very weird country and there is a lot of stuff that drives me crazy here but in same cause I feel it's my home right now. And it will be for next year. Hope the last year...

one week, one weekend

Haven't write anything for a quite long time...I feel empty of the real emotion. I can't believe I started to be naive again, I started to believe again.. I can't believe it happened here, in the place where the real life doesn't exist. Last weekend opened my eyes. I've done some things just to see 'after effect' and I was dissapointed. But I quickly understood that was only my foult, being naive it's just a part of being me. Anyway, after seeing clearly what's going on here I decided go to home 2 weeks earlier. I don't give a shit about people that pretend to be my friends or to like me, coz that kind of friends you can always have more than 100, but what when you really need someone? The true is it's very difficult to find someone that really care about you here... (but fortunately I know it's possible:)).

Nowedays I'm really happy. I'm happy with my decision and can't wait to be back in my life. I love being here, I like meeting new people, I like partying with them, I like silly chatting and even clubing in electro disco (not too often!), but it's just how summer should look like, and now summer for me is over! One more week, one more weekend! I will miss it, but I know I can do something more productive than that :-)

alcohol - stress reaction or just inanity?

I've been here 4 weeks already and 2 times really drunk. Being in Ireland sober, especially during the weekend is a challenge, but it doesn't mean it's impossible. And it also doesn't mean that I have to be one of those drunk chicks that can't even walk to home after party. Anyway as I mentioned before this shit happend to me twice and I'm pretty sure it's already too much.
As I've noticed lately, I'm feeling older and wiser than a year ago, and for me such a behav is just not acceptable anymore. But there is one thing that I can't undestand... becouse if it's really not my life style anymore than why am I doing THIS? Why I am acting like a teen? Is it a stress reaction or is it just inanity? I understand I went through not an easy days lately, not an easy months, I had to went through not an easy situation and news but still... is it a good reason or is it just excuse?


But seriously, what could I except by coming back to Cork........? STUPID ME.

'Choosing one path means abandoning others - if you try to follow every possible path you will end up following none. I followed many paths in my "younger and more vulnerable years". But when you are young this attitude is a blessing - if you know when to stop.' - P. Coelho

'the zahir'

Pierwszą rzeczą na którą zwóciłam uwagę w moim 'starym' nowym pokoju po przylocie do Cork była półka przy łóżku. Rok temu, gdy wyjeżdżałam, zostawiłam tutaj kilka książęk i moje notatki z angielskiego. Jakież było moje zaskoczenie gdy wszystko to zastałam w stanie nienaruszonym w tej oto półce! Ale było jeszcze coś, książka P. Coelho "The Zahir". Od razu wiedziałam, że to nie przypadek. Po przeczytaniu książki nie mogłam uwierzyć, że takie zbiegi okoliczności istnieją, a jednak. Mój zahir zaczął się rok temu w Irlandii i tutaj sie skończył. Dziś. Trało to bardzo długo, pochłoneło bardzo dużo mojej energii, emocji, mojego życia. Męczyłam się. Jeszcze kilka dni temu nie rozumiałam nic. Towarzyszył mi tylko ZAHIR.

Czy dziś zrozumiałam? Na pewno zrozumiałam, że mój zahir nie musi być czyimś zahirem, na pewno zrozumiałam, że nie mogę nikogo obarczać odpowiedzialnością za moje stany emocjonalne, zrozumiałam, że każdy ma prawo do szukania szczęścia... gdziekolwiek i jakkolwiek.

Mimo wszstko nadal jestem bardzo emocjonalna, nadal wiele rzeczy mnie zbyt porusza, nie potrafię się zdystansować... Cork uczy mnie każdego dnia, uczy mnie czasami w sposób zabawny, czasami w sposób dobitny i dosłowny. Czasami nie znoszę tego miejsca, zachowania ludzi wokół, obojętnośći, pytań :"why not? anna, why not?"
A czasami po prostu nie znoszę siebie... bo niepotrafię odpowiedzieć na pytanie 'why not?'...

Najgorsze jest to, że mimo iż wokół jest mnóstwo ludzi, tak naprawdę jestem z tym sama. No bo jak obarczać moim poplątanym wnętrzem kogoś jeśli ja sama go nie rozumiem? Jedno wiem na pewno - nauczyłam się brać odpowiedzialność za swoje słowa i czyny, i nawet jeśli coś wydaję się być przeszłością nigdy nie możemy być pewni...pewnego dnia ta przeszłość może z hukiem powrócić...

Life is different nowedays - 'same day different shit'. I learn a lot every second day. I learn how to be a nice girl and a good friend...but the most important, I always try to be ME, even though I don't know who I am anymore... I'm lost.

touch a chord

too many remembrances in my head and in my heart..

'to ja ten sam, od tylu lat sam..
bo Ciebie mi brak, Ciebie mi brak'