I'm sitting in my room on the floor coz I still don't have a bed... It's actually weird, but lately I can see that my happiness and my comfi isn't important to me at all, but I would give a lot to others if I know those things make them happy... It's crazy weather right know, birds are singing but it's going to be storm soon, I can hear thunders...and I love it!
After a very surprisingly exam on Friday and great weekend in Krakow with Nat I have many thoughts in my mind...Last weeks were pretty tough to me, and before talk with my prof and then Nat, I felt a bit down. It's been a bit over 5 months since my very best grandma passed away and I was thinking about her a lot. I miss her every day, but at days like those 'very tough days' I am missing her as hell... She was the strongest women I have ever knew. You could love her or hate her, but never being neutral. She sucrificed A LOT for her love - my grandpa, and for her children. She was the fighter. I remember her last night like it was yesterday. I remember her inert body laying on the floor, the doctor unhopeful eyes and my feelings...I had always a very strong connetion with her, I didin't need to hear ' sorry, grandma is dead' coz I knew it before...
The second sad thing is that my grandpa is very sick and it is very difficult to visiting him and stay ok... to not cry. It's pretty hard look at someone's you love death. And it's pretty hard put on your face mask called 'I am the strongest, no matter what - I will surrvive' just becouse you know people expect it from you and they need you. But this is a time when you can really figure out what is important to you and I guess sometimes we all need something that will push us to change the situation we are stuck in.
The last thing that made me a bit sad and confused last time is 'something inside me that turning back over and over again' and I can't help myself. I would like pack my suitcase and go far, far away but I know I can't. And from previous experience - I know it doesn't help. You can't go away from your feelings, it would be too easy...and I am not the person who run away when some problems came - at least - not anymore.
Anyway I have to say I AM THE LUCKY ONE. Always when I feel down I meet the person who helping me. And on Friday, when I had a very tough exam, very bad night behind me and I was pretty scared and felt like a shit - my prof told me a few important things that totally change my way of thinking. And there is nothing better than a good prof who believe in you, not only as a his pupil, but also as a person.
And then the weekend with Nat. She is one of the best person I have ever met, and probably the nicest on earth! Since I miss traveling so much, I was very happy I could leave my home town for a while and visited Krakow - the most beautiful and charming city in Poland. After a very long talk with Nat about life, love, happiness, our dreams and worries, plans and hopes I understood how lucky am I. I am happy with who I am and this is very important to me. I don't have to prove anything to anyone. I don't have to act 'crazy' (stupid) every night to be sure I am a cool girl - becouse I simply know that and don't need confirm it in that way. And even I can't run away from things that make me sad, I understand - 'this is the life'. I think my granma would be proud of me right now. She always said I am a gypsy - and I am pretty sure she was right. I probably got it from her. I can't live in one place. I love knowing new people and discovering new places. I am open and broad minded and always curious about new things. I love travel more than anything else. Sometimes it scares me coz I am not sure if I would be able to have a normal family... But I shouldn't wonder about it too much! There is still so many places to visit, so many people to meet, so many pic to take and emotions to catch and so many stories to hear...and this is what I love :-) And this is what keep me going every day with a smile on my face!:) And of course my family and friends - it's amazing that some people come to my country just becouse they know me and they want to see Poland and how people live here. I am pretty sure there is nothing more I could dream about!
'Cause I'm a gypsy are you coming with me?
I might steal your clothes and wear them if they fit me
Never made agreements just like a gypsy
And I won't back down 'cause life's already bit me
And I won't cry I'm too young to die if you're gonna quit me
'Cause I'm gypsy